The Stages of Loss
Clare Francis – MA, MBACP
Loss is a much bigger word than it looks – it may be that someone you care deeply about has passed away – it may be that life changes mean that for a while you seem not to be able to communicate with your partner - (or your children or parents). It may be that you and your partner have chosen to live different lives or that your partner has chosen to move away from you.
You won’t necessarily experience loss in the order I have put it and you may visit each stage more than once – this is often the case. When I am counselling I feel that my clients take a positive step forward and then something will happen to make this look like all that work has been for nothing and the step forward seems like they have taken two back. All these feelings are a part of a process so don’t expect the movement to be all one way.
Whatever the situation, you are likely to experience 5 stages of loss. They may not happen in the same order for all of us – we may not all experience all the stages - and it may be that we feel all of these stages within a very short time. Just know that there is no right or wrong way to process loss your way is the right way!
The Stages of loss are:
DENIAL
• A feeling that this is not happening
• Hiding things from friends and family
• Not dealing with reality
Loss; whether it be through the death of a loved one or the end of your relationship, can leave you in a state of shock. You could lose your grip on the real world and feel that this is not really happening.
Facing the future on your own – having to make all the decisions not just for yourself but for your family - can add to your denial. Facing your situation can seem like more than you are able to cope with.
You will probably feel a huge range of emotions and your mood may well change rapidly. These moods can change, from feeling that you are not able to feel at all and not being able, or indeed wanting, to talk about how you are feeling, to your emotions spiralling out of control wanting to rail against the world. You may also resent that fact that everyone thinks that they know how you feel and that they have experienced what you are feeling.
You may sometimes feel that it is as though you are watching yourself from outside your body, that you are not really there at all. You will probably at some stage feel panic or anxiety and want to do something practical – cleaning your house, working very long hours. This is denial.
ANGER
• Out of control feeling
• Overreacting and behaving in an irrational way
• Having a short fuse and being overly aggressive (or defensive)
Anger can be out of control. There is a spiralling quality to it; one minute you feel real hatred and plot revenge, the next you can feel insecure and very sad. It may be quite scary how strong these feeling are for you.
If you are looking at leaving a long term relationship, for whatever reason, you may find it hard to share the anger you are feeling as you also feel a sense of guilt. If you are the one you has been left you may find it hard to express your anger for fear of pushing the other person further away. If your partner has die, then this anger can be even more difficult, you may be feeling abandoned – How could they leave me? What did I do to deserve this? - The issue in this case is that you cannot talk to your partner. What you could do in all these cases is write to your partner sharing how angry you are and why. It doesn’t matter that the other person does not see this letter it does matter that you have found a way to let go.
Anger can be a part of the process which comes before the letting go stage. Is there anything practical that you can do to use the energy that your anger has created? You might sort out a cupboard or contact someone you have been meaning to talk to for a while. Anything that is positive will help to move you on. Only you know how bad this anger is making you feel. Try and let it go in whatever way suits you – exercise can help if that is something you do anyway, trying something new that challenges you in some way but also talking to close friends or family – they may be feeling the same way you are.
BARGAINING
What lies behind this is thinking is if she/he did this we would maybe have another chance:
If he/she would:
• Change
• Knew how much I cared
• Knew how much I had done for them and the family
we plan in our heads conversations with our ex-partners imagining things we would like to have said, would like to say and what they answer.
We sometimes look at trying to bargain with our ex-partner to get things back to where they were; or just to stop the hurt. Remember, this is part of a process, not a beginning or an end. This, for you, is not the best time to make deals - you may find you are agreeing to anything just for a small short term gain. In fact, these agreements may make things worse for you, as you may be making promises that you just can’t keep.
LOW MOODS
• Can’t stop crying
• Can’t eat
• Trouble sleeping
• Lethargy – just not interested in anything or anyone
• Head full of a mental fog
• Feeling cut off from friends and family and very alone/isolated
This is not going to be an easy time. It may be the first time you have experienced these kind of feelings. Loss affects us all in different ways at different times. Sometimes, the sorrow and loss you feel at the loss of a loved one can be hard for you to cope with. You may feel any or all of the feelings above.
Who we are, is linked to the people we are close to; and it can be hard to imagine our life without them. You are having to do things you have never done before and it is difficult for you to see yourself as separate from your loved ones. This can make even everyday things seem more complicated than usual.
You may feel like crying all the time. This is not unusual and often the tears are not just connected to sadness, some other feelings can be reflected in these tears. If you are finding it hard to let out the tears there are a few things you can try; keep a journal – every day spend 10 minutes just writing exactly what you think, talk to someone who gets you and will not ask questions you are not ready to answer, look at photos (this just reminds you that it is/was not all bad).
If these low moods continue it is a good idea to just go to your GP and have an MOT and check out what other courses of action are open to you.
ACCEPTANCE
• The fog starts to clear and you feel more in control of your emotions – you can see both good and bad bits of your relationship
• You find that you can more easily cope with what life is giving you
• You find that there is hope for the future
This stage for some of us can seem like a new start with new choices. Relationships seem to settle down, communication with others seems more relaxed.
At each stage what you experience can seem too much and you might feel you are going mad, or you are the only person who has ever felt like this. By giving yourself permission to have these feelings you are accepting that this is a part of a process you are going through.
At the beginning of this article I said that these stages don’t necessarily follow each other one by one. You may jump from one feeling to another – often in a short space of time. You may also find you revisit one of the feelings more than once and in more than one way. This is OK and you are not alone in doing this. There is no right and wrong way to process loss you do what you need to do, when you need to do it.
Understanding never takes away the pain or struggle that you are going through but it can help you to acknowledge that this is a process and that you are not on your own in going through these feelings.
It is worth remembering to give yourself permission to feel and think things but also try and be kind to yourself – in taking care of your feelings it helps you to move on – see if you have a support network around you – are you using those people? Do you need to spoil yourself a little bit? What makes you feel good? It is great if you can recognize that you are OK and that you are moving forward a little bit every day.
