Relating, Not Fixing, Is Important
I once worked with a very loving and frustrated mother who was at her “wits end” with her 7 year old son. For the past several months, he had become increasingly defiant and she tried “every type of discipline I can think of.” And she had. Several times she calmly explained what her behavior expectations were as well as rewarded him when he met them. She was also creative with her use of time out. On one particularly difficult day, her son’s consequence was cleaning the shrubs in front of their home with warm soap and water. Another especially creative intervention included star counting at night when he was supposed to be sleeping. After explaining all the difficulties she had been experiencing with her son, she desperately pleaded with me to “fix my little boy!”
After meeting with Johnny for several sessions, it became clear that he was a very angry child. It also became clear that he did not need “fixing” but rather needed “connecting.” For the past several months, mom was focusing on her son’s problems. While noticing his struggles was important, this left no emotional space for Johnny to rely on and enjoy his relationship with her. For the next several weeks, mom recognized how she could reconnect with her son and focus on him, not his problems. Here are a few things that mom learned from our work together.
You can’t give away what you don’t have. This mother had been under quite a bit of her own stress and had difficulty giving time for herself, much less giving time and attention to a needy 7 year old little boy. Extending patience and understanding is impossible unless we first extend it to ourselves.
A parent’s toes should always follow his/her nose. Body language is important. It conveys interest and attention. When your child is talking to you, turn to face him/her. Kneel down to them so you are looking eye to eye.
Learn when to be a thermometer and when to be a thermostat. Thermometers have only one function; measure the temperature. Thermostats help change the temperature in a room. It is important for parents to learn when they need to help their children “cool off” and when it is ok to allow them to manage their own emotions.
It is important to speak your child’s language. Your child’s first language is not necessarily the same one you speak. Research has shown that children express their emotional experiences more effectively through play than through spoken word. Spending regular time with your child engaging in activities of their choice helps you understand your child and helps your child learn that he/she is important to you. (Actually, there are many benefits to playing with your child. Many more than I have room to explore here!)
Learning what to do after you did what you did. Parenting is tough, and there will be times you did something you wish you hadn’t. It’s not the end of the world. When children see parents make (and work through) mistakes, they learn how about forgiveness, grace and being human.
As Johnny’s mother learned, parenting can be difficult and there is not always an “easy fix” Looking beyond the “easy fix” can often lead to a deeper and more enjoyable relationship with your child.