Petar Sardelich, LMFT/PT/MAC
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From the "Something That Came Up Today" Department... More on "Stopping"

Truth, it comes up a lot.

We're all trying to "give up" some stuff, trying to stop doing some things, but often have difficulty doing it. Aside from a blog I wrote about this a while ago, we might want to think of such things as surrender instead of "quitting", stopping, etc... but I digress. We endeavor to stop drinking, overeating, eating poorly, isolating, perfectionism, controlling things, spending, video games, TV, and a host of other things. Sometimes we're trying to avoid things that are actually good for us- exercise, going to a support group, going on a job interview, self care and the like. Most of the time we point at a lack of insight, "willpower", or related ideas. For dozens of years, people have been going on *wince* Dr. Phil, Oprah, Donahue (I don't watch too much TV- who do we have now?), and others asking why people can't stop __________.

There's an interesting colloquialism in 12-step programs that addresses this. Some say that "what makes people drink is sobriety". Whatever one feels about 12-step programs, this is a pretty elegant, and deep idea when applied to alcohol or drugs or other things we might want to give up. Consider it this way- what if our inability to stop something (or start something) is not the difficulty in stopping or starting, presence or absence of "willpower", but the difficulty of how we will feel if we do?

Try this thought experiment. How would an alcoholic feel if they stopped drinking? Someone that stopped "obsessing" over __________? A person obsessed with control feel if they stopped controlling things? Someone that stopped overeating? It's intuitive to say that these folk might be "relieved", but I'd argue that's a superficial look. I think these persons (and other people with other issues) would feel pain, fear, sadness, even shame and anger.

What I'm getting at (simply) is this: if we have trouble surrendering something, it's more likely that is difficult because of how it would feel to do so. More difficult than the effort or organization or "insight" about what we need to give something up. If that's the case, it points to why much deeper "work" is more often necessary than simply will-ing our way into stopping something.

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