Where Did the Old Spark Go?
Where Did the Old Spark Go?
Dear Dr. Diana,
My husband and I have been married for thirteen years. Neither of us have the old spark anymore. He’s comfortable this way and says it’s ‘normal’ after a while. But I am very unhappy. I’ve been thinking of asking for a trial separation to test the waters to see if I can find greater happiness elsewhere. We have a nice life together but I know if someone came along, I’d be vulnerable. I don’t want to have an affair. Should I leave or convince my husband that we need to change things together? Or is he right that this is just the way marriage is after a while and I should try to just be content with the way things are?
- Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Where do you think the old spark went? Rarely are intimacy issues within a couple as simple as they may seem. Before accepting that this is just the way things are going to be, you should rule out a few things.
1). It’s good to rule out the possibility of medical issues affecting either one of you. Both of you should have a thorough physical exam with blood work. As we age, hormone imbalances, depression, stress, or other health issues can affect our sex drive.
2). Be honest with yourself. How hard have you and your husband have really tried to resuscitate your marriage? If you haven’t put that much effort into it, read some good books on how to keep love alive.
3) Try couples counseling. I’m partial to an approach called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. But the most important thing in finding a good counselor is that they have a systematic approach that makes sense to you and that you have good chemistry with the therapist.
It’s true that intimacy tends to change in long-term marriages. But it doesn’t have to die off. People settle into patterns of relating with each other that are often not conducive to romance or closeness. Do you think that has happened with you and your husband? The myth that good marriages should not require hard work is just that, a myth. To have a long-term loving, passionate marriage requires ongoing careful attention to each other’s emotions and needs. Each partner needs to know that their feelings matter to the other and they are wanted.
Is it possible that the lack of spark in your relationship is symptomatic of a lack of emotional intimacy? When we lose that sense of closeness and comfort with our partner, one of the first places it shows up is a drop in sexual desire.
Ideally, you will explore these suggestions before throwing in the towel or looking elsewhere. If your marriage doesn’t improve after working hard on it and exploring all options, you will most likely have your answer.
Recommended Reading:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, Ph.D.
Seven Traits of
This is an advice column and is not meant to be a substitute for therapy.
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist in private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. Specializing in marriage counseling, stepfamilies, and personality testing, she does private counseling as well as marriage enrichment retreats. (858) 259-0146 www.cottageclinic.net
Jessica Buss, Ph.D. s a Licensed Psychological Assistant working under the supervision of Dr. Weiss-Wisdom She works with adolescents, couples, and does biofeedback for stress reduction, anxiety, and emotional regulation. She has a sliding scale.
