Consequences? What Consequences! Do Children Really Want Them?
Consequences are not simply punishments doled out by a mean parent. Consequences are a teaching opportunity for pre-teens and teens to learn some of the important lessons in life. These lessons include what happens when your child:
1. Hurts a younger brother or sister
2. Destroys property that is not his
3. Treats others rudely or has a bad attitude, especially at home
4. Doesn’t listen to authority figures (parents, bosses, etc.)
5. Ignores the importance of school
6. Defies parents or school personnel
7. Doesn’t take responsibility for their actions and their consequences
If a child or teen does not have consequences, they live in a make-believe world in which no one has responsibility for themselves or others. Because the real world doesn’t work that way, the sooner the child or teen learns that their actions have real consequences, good and bad, the sooner he or she learns how to function effectively and safely in the real world where mom and dad cannot protect them.
If you think that your children don’t want consequences, you are making a critical mistake. Limits and boundaries provide safety for children and teens and when there are no limits or boundaries (and the consequences that enforce them), children will push their limits and boundaries until they get a consequence. By that point, you, as parents, may no longer be in charge and the consequences will be much more dangerous and long lasting.
In my experience as a family therapist, I have listened to teens tell their parents (who are amazed and then relieved) how much they appreciate the fact that they have finally been given a consequence for the behaviors that they knew were wrong but for which they were never scolded or punished.
Children want consequences and it is one of the most unfortunate family situations to watch when well-meaning parents try to avoid giving consequences because their own parents were too strict. They do themselves a disservice and create serious problems for their children until they realize how important this issue is to their children and to their future lives.
