The Boss Factor: Understanding Leadership Problems in Light of the Mom Factor
What is it about my boss that's bugging me so much? Why am I being triggered by my boss in ways that I sometimes can't understand? Perhaps your boss is reminding you of the first leader you ever met: your mom.
Based on the moms we find in The Mom Factor by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I thought it might be a good idea to look at leaders that emulate some of the more dysfunctional aspects of motherhood.
The first boss is the China Doll Boss. This boss is the boss that is fragile, and he makes you afraid of actually telling him anything that might be close to the truth. Those financial reports better look good or you're afraid that he'll be so disappointed that he'll break. This boss is too distant sometimes or too close and in the process of micromanaging gives you the impression that they'll be crushed by things if they don't go a 100% perfect job. Fear and anxiety are driving forces behind this type of boss.
The Phantom Boss is the boss that's never really there. Everybody on board may be highly developed and may not need that much leadership or management but this boss is so removed that it's difficult to get vision, mission or actual goals about what is important in the company or organization. This boss is frequently depressed or doesn't really want to be in the position.
Our next boss is the Controlling Boss who can make you crazy with micromanagement and rigid rules and ways of being that treat you like a child. This can be triggering for anybody even a person without a controlling mother or dad. The controlling boss frequently runs on anxiety and hopes that you will be responsible for their feelings, their life, or their happiness as you do exactly what they want all the time.
Like the Controlling Boss, the Still-The-Boss Boss is the boss that never gets out of the boss developmental stage with new employees. This is the stage, a la Ken Blanchard and Situational Leadership, where the boss is doing a lot of structure and coaching. The only problem is as a staff member gets more and more capable confident, this boss doesn't let up and let them find their own way within the working environment. Years later they're still treating you like you just got there. Just as the controlling boss is anxiety ridden so is this boss.
The Trophy Boss can be kind of fun sometimes because they're championing you and helping you feel like you're great much of the time. You or somebody on staff is their Star. The only problem is that if you fail or have other ideas in contrary to this boss you become a pariah to this person. The expectations and obligations towards you can help you feel crazy. This boss frequently needs some of their own success or some connections.
The American Express Boss is the boss who spoils his or her employees. Whatever you want you got it when you want it. The only problem is this boss has the animals running the zoo. Their lack of boundaries and direction can really help people in the organization feel crazy. They don't allow consequences or set boundaries. This boss wants to be liked at any price. They may feel afraid of conflict and lonely on the inside. I saw a pastor play this role and destroy the church from the inside.
Remind you of anybody? How about yourself? Even a little behavior like this can be trouble for an organization. The sort of behavior or attitudes can trigger people who had parents that acted in a parallel way. Sometimes staff are triggered even when what they're seeing isn't real. Nevertheless, it's important to strive to avoid these areas as a boss and be a servant leader with good boundaries and good bonding. As an employee one of the most effective ways that you can deal with these types of bosses is to try to engage them at the feeling level. Coaching or counseling can be very helpful for a person that seems to be stuck in one of these areas.
Kit Hill Ed.D., LMFT
The New Life Group
