Self-Love Is Not What You Think: a Psychospiritual Perspective on Healing and Wholeness
n therapeutic spaces, the concept of self-love is often presented as a goal, something to cultivate, build, or strengthen over time. We encourage clients to practice affirmations, set boundaries, develop self-worth, and engage in behaviors that reflect care for the self. These are all important and necessary steps in healing.
And yet, there is a deeper layer to self-love that often goes unspoken.
From a psychospiritual perspective, self-love is not something we “achieve.” It is not something we earn through progress, healing milestones, or becoming a better version of ourselves. Instead, self-love is what naturally remains when self-rejection begins to dissolve.
At the core of many psychological struggles is an internal resistance toward aspects of the self. This may show up as an inner critic, shame, avoidance, perfectionism, or the constant feeling of not being “enough.” In models such as Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand these as parts—protective adaptations formed in response to past experiences. These parts are not the problem. They are attempts to keep us safe.
What disrupts our sense of self-love is not the presence of these parts, but our relationship to them.
When individuals begin to meet their inner experiences with curiosity rather than judgment, something shifts. Instead of trying to fix, suppress, or eliminate aspects of themselves, they begin to allow. This allowance creates space for integration.
Self-love, in this sense, can be understood as the absence of internal resistance.
It is the capacity to sit with one’s thoughts, emotions, and internal states without immediately trying to change them. It is the ability to acknowledge, “This is here,” without attaching a narrative of wrongness or failure.
This does not mean passivity, nor does it suggest that growth or change are unnecessary. Rather, it reframes the starting point. The transformation that emerges from acceptance is fundamentally different from the transformation driven by self-rejection. When change is fueled by the belief that something is inherently wrong with us, it often reinforces the very patterns we are trying to heal. When change arises from a place of acceptance, it tends to be more sustainable, integrated, and compassionate.
Clinically, this aligns with research on self-compassion, emotional regulation, and trauma integration. Individuals who develop the ability to remain present with their internal experiences without excessive avoidance or judgment tend to show greater resilience, reduced anxiety and depression, and improved overall well-being.
In practice, self-love may look less like a feeling and more like a stance.
It may look like:
Allowing an emotion to be present without immediately trying to regulate it away
Noticing self-critical thoughts without identifying with them
Recognizing protective patterns without labeling them as flaws
Sitting with discomfort while maintaining a sense of internal safety
For many, this can feel counterintuitive. We are conditioned to believe that improvement requires effort, control, and correction. However, healing often begins with a different question:
What happens if nothing within me is wrong?
This question does not deny the reality of pain, trauma, or dysfunction. Rather, it invites a shift in perspective—from seeing the self as a problem to be solved, to seeing the self as a system to be understood.
From this place, self-love is no longer something we strive for. It becomes the natural byproduct of presence, awareness, and acceptance.
In this way, self-love is not an end goal.
It is the foundation from which all meaningful healing unfolds.
Dr. Dorie LeSieur, PsyD
CelestialSoulSpace@gmail.com