How many times have you started a conversation with your partner with good intentions, only to have it turn into a ugly, door-slamming mess? How do you communicate what you want and need from your spouse without it erupting into defensiveness and anger? You just need to know how. Avoid these communication pitfalls to encourage positive dialogue.

1) Bad timing. Conversations need to start off on the right foot. Making sure your conversation is at a convenient time for both you and your partner increases your chance of having their full attention. Requests work best if they stay simple. For example, “I’d like to talk about this kids’ schedule. When is a good time for you?” or “Things got really ugly between us yesterday. I want to talk it out. Will tonight work for you, maybe after dinner?”

2) Harsh startup. Another way conversations go south, fast, is starting harshly. Avoid starting your conversation with a critique or blame, “You haven’t been doing anything to help with the kids recently.” These harsh startups set your partner on the defensive. In these first few moments your partner may feel attacked and ready their weapons, taking a stance against you instead of for you or with you. Make an effort to begin your conversation with something you appreciate about your partner, “You really made my week easier last month when you took the kids to their after school activities.”

3) Criticism. Words like “never” and “always” are dead-giveaways for this communication spoiler. Critical remarks are those that suggest your partner is somehow flawed. Or, that your partner is completely to blame. For example, “You never help with the kids; I don’t know why you insist on being so lazy” and “What is wrong with you?” Replace criticism with complaints. Complaints are short and stick only to one present incident. It sounds like, “The garbage is still in the garage, and you said you would take it out last night.”

4) Contempt. This communication spoiler is often seen and not heard. It is a way of communicating to your partner that you are better than them. Many times this is shown through eye-rolling, sneering, giggling, huffing, etc. Contemptuous remarks are an attempt to show your partner superiority, “I would never treat you the way you treat me.” Instead, focus solely on your own feelings, making it easier for your partner to hear you.

5) Defensiveness. Defensiveness is probably the most common communication spoiler. “Yes you did!” “No I didn’t!” or “Yeah maybe I did, but you do it all the time.” If your partner lets you know you’ve hurt them the best thing to do is apologize before you begin to share your experience.

6) Failing to take a timeout. Don’t assume that just because you started a conversation, you both have to finish it. Many people keep trying to fight an uphill battle much after they should have simply called a “time out.” There is no shame in saying, “Hey we’re right back to where we were, let’s cool off and try again later.” Find an activity that soothes you, or relaxes you during your break.

7) Missing the repair attempts. Repair attempts are an effort to decrease the intensity of a conflict and reconnect. They are unique to each couple. Maybe tickling, a kiss, or a cheesy smile during a heated discussion. It’s your partner waiving the white flag, saying, “Remember me? I love you! Let’s stop this nonsense and get back to us!” Take time to think of how your partner makes repair attempts, sometimes they are subtle, and look for them in your next conflict to help reduce intensity and remind yourself this person is with you not against you.

Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.
Make up a grocery list and go shopping.
Cook dinner or bake.
Clean house.
Shop for gifts or clothes (for self, kids, or friends).
Go out without the kids for brunch or dinner.
Read the morning paper together.
Help each other with self-improvement plans, such as a new class, weight loss, exercise, a new career.
Plan and host a dinner party.
Call and/or think about each other during the workday.
Stay overnight at a romantic hideaway.
Eat breakfast together during the work week.
Go to a church, mosque, or synagogue together.
Shovel the walk or do yard work, home repairs, or car maintenance.
Volunteer in the community.
Exercise together.
Go on a picnic or drive.
Spend everyday time with the kids – bedtime, baths, homework.
Take the kids on outings (zoo, museum, dinner).
Attend school functions such as teacher conferences.
Spend time with kin parents, in-laws, siblings.
Entertain out-of-town guests.
Travel together.
Watch TV or videos.
Order take out.
Double-date with friends.
Attend sporting events.
Go out and do a favorite activity, such as bowling, bicycling, hiking, jogging, horseback riding, camping, canoeing, sailing, water-skiing, swimming.
Talk or read together by an open fire.
Listen to music.
Go dancing or attend a concert, nightclub, jazz club, or theater.
Host your child’s birthday party.
Take your child to lessons.
Attend your child’s sporting events or performance.
Pay bills.
Write letters or cards.
Take kids to the doctor, dentist, or emergency room.
Go to a community event, such as a church auction.
Go to a party.
Drive to or from work together.
Celebrate milestones in your children’s lives such as confirmation, graduation.
Celebrate other milestones in your lives such as a promotion, retirement.
Play computer games, surf the Internet.
Supervise your children’s play dates.
Plan vacations.
Plan your future together. Dream.
Walk the dog.
Read aloud out together.
Play a board game or a card game.
Put on plays or skits together.
Do errands together.
Paint, sculpt, make music.
Find time to talk without interruptions so you can truly listen to each other.
Philosophize.
Attend a funeral.
Help out other people.
Hunt for a new house or apartment.
Test-drive new cars.
Other ____________________.

Any financial adviser may tell you that the recipe for wealth boils down to one simple ingredient. Save more than you spend! Put more in the piggy bank than you take out! This same rule also applies to the intimacy, passion, commitment, and respect in your romantic relationships. In fact, it can be applied to ALL of your relationships. While knowing this simple rule is a step in the right direction, there is definitely increased success for those who study further. For instance, how does one fill the piggy bank in first place: invest, invent, or sell? And, which investments get you the most return on your money? When conducting couples counseling in Dallas, Texas – I help my clients learn the simple tools to fill their piggy banks of love!

Relationships that demonstrate a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions have proven to be less likely to divorce. For example, surprising your partner with a 5 minute massage just before bed probably deposits into to the piggy bank; while, ignoring your partner as they attempt to show you their new favorite song withdrawals from the piggy bank. If you achieve a 5:1 ratio, not only is it likely that you will notice increased intimacy with your partner, it will sting less when you have conflict or feel unattended to. Think of all the saved up deposits as a cushion or airbag to protect you when an accident occurs. There are endless ways to positively interact with your partner (some take more energy than others); I have provided a more complete list below but here are a few of my favorites to get you started:

Ways to get rich!

1) Build detailed love maps: That is, details about your partner’s life, experiences, and dreams. What is their favorite food, music, game? What are some of their most positive and negative memories as a child? How do they order their hamburger? And, what would they buy if they won the lottery? Spend time talking, without interruptions learning all of these details. In session, I play a sort of newlywed’s game with my couples to test their love maps. In many relationships couples exceed and immediately feel more proud and flattered that their partner has taken the time to know them so well!

2) Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went: Talk to your partner about how your day went. Make sure to both get a turn. This is a time when you talk about things or people happening in your life OUTSIDE of the relationship. While gossiping (talking about other people) should be avoided in the workplace it can build intimacy between you and your partner. It creates a sense of “we-ness” or “us against the world” attitude that is great for keeping relationships strong and alive. (Watch for future blogs to describe in more detail the rules for these stress-reducing, end-of-the-day talks)

3) Exercise together: Not only is exercise good for your body it can be good for your relationship. It improves stamina, sleep, and mood. All which positively impact your love connection. Get creative and choose an activity that fits your personalities. Maybe walk in the neighborhood, join a ballroom or country dance class, or make a game out of speed cleaning the house together.

Warning! Avoid keeping score of who has made the most deposits or withdrawals. These activities are not about tit for tat. Some people find it helpful to keep a log of their OWN deposits and withdrawals for a short period of time; this can be helpful to test your own contribution in the relationship. But, keeping a log should be honest and short-term. Avoid logging your partner’s contributions.

*The tips included in this blog are based on the research and publications of Dr. John Gottman and his team at The Gottman Relationship Institute.