Blog Post
Honey, We Need to Talk- 6 Communication Spoilers
6/18/2013
How many times have you started a conversation with your partner with good intentions, only to have it turn into a ugly, door-slamming mess? How do you communicate what you want and need from your spouse without it erupting into defensiveness and anger? You just need to know how. Avoid these communication pitfalls to encourage positive dialogue.
1) Bad timing. Conversations need to start off on the right foot. Making sure your conversation is at a convenient time for both you and your partner increases your chance of having their full attention. Requests work best if they stay simple. For example, “I’d like to talk about this kids’ schedule. When is a good time for you?” or “Things got really ugly between us yesterday. I want to talk it out. Will tonight work for you, maybe after dinner?”
2) Harsh startup. Another way conversations go south, fast, is starting harshly. Avoid starting your conversation with a critique or blame, “You haven’t been doing anything to help with the kids recently.” These harsh startups set your partner on the defensive. In these first few moments your partner may feel attacked and ready their weapons, taking a stance against you instead of for you or with you. Make an effort to begin your conversation with something you appreciate about your partner, “You really made my week easier last month when you took the kids to their after school activities.”
3) Criticism. Words like “never” and “always” are dead-giveaways for this communication spoiler. Critical remarks are those that suggest your partner is somehow flawed. Or, that your partner is completely to blame. For example, “You never help with the kids; I don’t know why you insist on being so lazy” and “What is wrong with you?” Replace criticism with complaints. Complaints are short and stick only to one present incident. It sounds like, “The garbage is still in the garage, and you said you would take it out last night.”
4) Contempt. This communication spoiler is often seen and not heard. It is a way of communicating to your partner that you are better than them. Many times this is shown through eye-rolling, sneering, giggling, huffing, etc. Contemptuous remarks are an attempt to show your partner superiority, “I would never treat you the way you treat me.” Instead, focus solely on your own feelings, making it easier for your partner to hear you.
5) Defensiveness. Defensiveness is probably the most common communication spoiler. “Yes you did!” “No I didn’t!” or “Yeah maybe I did, but you do it all the time.” If your partner lets you know you’ve hurt them the best thing to do is apologize before you begin to share your experience.
6) Failing to take a timeout. Don’t assume that just because you started a conversation, you both have to finish it. Many people keep trying to fight an uphill battle much after they should have simply called a “time out.” There is no shame in saying, “Hey we’re right back to where we were, let’s cool off and try again later.” Find an activity that soothes you, or relaxes you during your break.
7) Missing the repair attempts. Repair attempts are an effort to decrease the intensity of a conflict and reconnect. They are unique to each couple. Maybe tickling, a kiss, or a cheesy smile during a heated discussion. It’s your partner waiving the white flag, saying, “Remember me? I love you! Let’s stop this nonsense and get back to us!” Take time to think of how your partner makes repair attempts, sometimes they are subtle, and look for them in your next conflict to help reduce intensity and remind yourself this person is with you not against you.