The Culture of "Happily Ever After" | Ivy Griffin, LMFT, Therapist in Sacramento, CA 95818

“Happily ever after” . . . have you ever stopped and thought—what total, complete BS?! This notion of life ending “happily ever after” is an idea we’re inundated with in U.S. culture from the time we learn to speak, sometimes even before. From TV, movies, music and mainstream media of all sorts we’re accosted with pictures and images of what “happily ever after” looks like. We grow up believing that if we just find the perfect partner or have that fairytale wedding or land that amazing job or find the ideal house or purchase our dream car or, or, or. . .then, we’ll be happy. Then, we’ll have achieved success. Then, our lives will be meaningful and fulfilled and complete.

Ummm, for real? Who—I mean, really—who decided to blast us with this belief day and night until it became incredibly difficult not to accept it as truth? Not only is the idea that one entity (relationship/job/material possession) should make us ultimately happy a ridiculous notion, when we really stop and think about it, but it also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on that entity to act as the be-all-and-end-all of our existence. Maybe I’m just too cynical but, sheesh, that doesn’t seem like great odds to me. I think I’d rather spread my chances for happiness around. I like having a Plan A, but if that doesn’t work out, I definitely feel more assured if I have a Plan B and a Plan C.

There are countless books and theories about happiness and the pursuit thereof. Why? Because it’s not a very simple concept to identify, much less to pin down and achieve. However, there are some great ideas out there about how to try. In fact, I recently posted a video on Facebook of a TED talk with Shawn Anchor about this very subject, and he shares some wonderfully interesting yet straightfoward ideas. I’ve also enjoyed some of the notions about happiness described in Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, which addresses how our brains sometimes deceive us about what might really make us happy. With all this thinking about happiness, I decided I wanted to jump into the discussion and share some of my own musings.

1. See above—the idea of “happily ever after” is completely bogus.

2. I think happiness is not an end result or a constant way of being. Happiness is a feeling, and feelings continually shift. I love the description of feelings as waves in the ocean, sometimes they’re mighty and overwhelming, sometimes they crash, sometimes they gently reach the shore and roll back out again. No matter what, they change. They are affected by everything from external circumstances to personality to time of day. To expect happiness to be a continual, lingering emotion only sets us up for failure. No one is constantly happy, and if someone is, I’d be worried that something is terribly wrong. So, I say, let’s appreciate and enjoy happiness when we feel it, and let’s allow ourselves to embrace the whole range of other emotions we experience too.

3. That said, I believe it’s a wonderful thing to seek out and fill our lives with what does make us happy. People, relationships, hobbies, passions, work, pets, music, art—yes, yes, yes! I invite you to consider what brings you happiness. Think about it, make a list, tell someone. Then, build more of those things into your life each day. Put them in your calendar if you need to! Below are some things I believe help make us happy:

Know who you are, what you value, what you believe in. I believe the better we understand ourselves, the more we recognize what we need and what makes us happy.
Connect with others. Reach out and nurture old relationships or branch out and form new ones. We are social beings, we need each other.
Rest, relax, rejuvenate. Take time to breathe. Be mindful. Use your senses to notice the environment around you right now. Meditate. Savor the moments of your life, and you may find happiness emerging.

Read on about my thoughts on the subject at http://ivygriffintherapy.wordpress.com/