Before I launch into my blog post I first want to acknowledge the survivor’s journey as a unique trial of challenges and obstacles.

It is not unusual for people who have survived a catastrophic trauma such as a shooting, rape or childhood sexual abuse to not feel hopeful and that life is not worth living. I could spend time trying to figure out WHY survivors feel discouraged. However, I want to focus on how to move forward in creating a more vibrant life

Deep down inside, what do you really want? What’s important to you? What’s your heart's deepest desire? People often answer with such things, as “To be happy.” “Have money.” “Success.” “Respect.” “A great job. “I want to be thinner.”

Now, these are truthful answers, and they may not be helpful in pointing to a direction for how to live. Also, how we set these intentions in our minds may not keep you motivated. To find direction and motivation you can ask questions like “How would I behave differently in relationships if I were rich, successful or thin?” “What sort of relationships do I want to build with myself and others if I were living my ideal self?” These questions point to the underlying values connected to your heart and soul’s deepest desire.

Connecting with your values can give you a sense of meaning and purpose. Living and creating a life guided by values allows you to gain a sense of vitality and joyfulness. Life becomes rich, full, and meaningful, even when bad things happen. Values are about ongoing action, a way of being in the world. They are about what you want to do in your life while you are here. Values motivate us to stick with it. They help us to engage in the process of achieving our goals.

It’s important to recognize that values are not the same as goals. As mentioned earlier, values are a life direction like going west. Let’s say you value being a loving parent, you can continue to be loving indefinitely. It’s more than a to-do list where you put a checkmark next to the item as complete. Let’s say you want to lose ten pounds. That is a goal. However, the value underneath the goal is what speaks to your heart. Ask yourself, “How does this goal serve my purpose?”
Goals become part of the ongoing action connected to values. Hence, you may decide you have a goal of spending time playing with your kids, planning and going on outings with them or reading with them. These specific activities can be crossed off a list. Hence, they are the goals connected to your value of being a loving parent.

Goal setting is a skill require that requires a bit of practice to get the hang of it. After you have reflected on your values write them down so you can refer back to them as you develop your action plan.
Next, you want to set a SMART goal. Here is what the acronym means:
• S = specific (Be as clear as possible when describing the action you are will to take towards your goal.).
• M = meaningful (Make sure your goal is connected to your value).
• A = adaptive (Is the goal likely to improve your life in some way?)
• R = realistic (Are the resources available to you to accomplish the goal?)
• T = time-bound (Put a specific time frame with a date or even hour you will take the proposed action.)

Tell other people about your intention to achieve the goal. Research shows that if you make a public commitment you are more likely to follow through. Values clarification and goal setting (committed action) are part of the process in Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT).

I use ACT in helping people create a life they love living by helping them get clear on what’s important. The aim of ACT is to help people reduce their struggle with pain and suffering and choose behaviors that work. It does not mean you will not experience difficult feelings, it means you can have a sense of life being fulfilling and with purpose based on your unique set of values.

Contact me for a complimentary consultation.

Day by day, week by week, and year by year time will pass. What will you do with your time? How do you want to be in your life? What qualities do you want to develop over time? These questions are ancient and related to an existential issue of, “Why are we here? “

I don’t have the answer. However, I believe you can have a fulfilling and meaningful life with richness and vitality even if you don’t know the answer. Also, I believe creating a vision for the future supports your purpose in life. By creating a general vision and then a personal vision statement allows you to have a yardstick to measure your progress so you don’t drift aimlessly through life.

A personal vision can change over time. The yardstick principle allows you to know if your vision needs to be modified. It is a starting point. To begin to craft a personal vision statement you will need to know what matters in your life. What matters points to your values. To get clarity on your values you can read a post I wrote in August last year, What Are Your Values? Once you read the post check back here
.
Welcome back. If you have questions let me know so I can help. What’s next after writing a personal vision statement? Goal setting is the next step. As you complete this next step remain flexible. As the saying goes, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” Another saying I like for this step is, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

What is your goal 10 years from now – in connection to your vision statement and values?
What is your goal 5 years from now?
One year from now?
How about in 6 months? You are moving closer to the present.
What are you willing to commit to doing over the next 90 days that will be in alignment with your personal vision statement?

I ask people to pick 9 things they are willing to commit to doing over the next 90 days. (Hint: about one thing a week). You might include things you want to stop doing such as yelling when you are angry. This is when you have the opportunity to make a different choice like take 10 breaths when you are angry before saying anything. Learn about the gift of 10 breaths by clicking here. It is 10 second exercise. Also, 10 to do might include play, fun, and relaxation.

The last question, “What can you do in the present moment to begin living your vision. It is important to remember living in the present moment is how your dreams manifest for your personal vision in connection to your values.

What strategy will you use to travel through life? Progress not perfection is the attitude to carry along as you travel. Enjoy the journey with all its twists and turns. There may be road blocks along the way as well as bumps in the road.. You will have to make choices on how to navigate through the barriers. Allow your values and a clear vision to guide you like a north star. If you get stuck let me know. I may be able to help. Get support. It can be family, friends, role models or groups of like-minded.

Below is a test you can't fail. The test is based on your mind and body’s natural ability to recall. You will notice a few sentences a couple of paragraphs down. When you read the sentences fill in the blanks. I am confident you will pass the recall test with excellent accuracy.
First I want to lay the groundwork for the test. Have you ever been told all you have to do is think positive and good things will come your way? Like the message in the book The Secret - just focus on the thing you want most in your life and you will attract it. I realize many people are quite fond of thinking they can think their way into success and happiness. It is truly seductive to believe this. I find this is similar to the diet pills advertised on late night TV.... give me a break! No need to eat less or exercise more. Really? Anyway, I strongly disagree.

What I object to most is the sense of failure that one can develop if they have been doing daily affirmations, thinking positive at every corner and then flogging themselves for every transgression of having a negative thought. This is not self-compassionate. It is another way to blame a victim if bad things happen. Where is the loving kindness in this method called the Law of Attraction? Read this article, There is No Secret: The Myth of the Law of Attraction, author J.D. Roth as he highlights the fallacy of the Law of Attraction.
Mind you, I am not saying you shouldn't think positive; it's just that it takes more that thoughts to create a life of your dreams. My common sense is captured by this old proverb,
A vision without a plan is just a dream. A plan without a vision is just drudgery. But a vision with a plan can change the world.
Time for the test. Please fill in the blanks:

Mary, Mary had a little __ __ __ __.
Row, row, row, your __ __ __ __ gently down the __ __ __ __ __ __.
One two, buckle your __ __ __ __, three four shut the __ __ __ __.
Twinkle, twinkle little __ __ __ __.

How did you do? Did you get all the blanks filled in? When was the last time you thought of these rhymes? I remember them from when I was a small child and then again when I read them to my children. Has it been 5 years, maybe 10 years or maybe it was yesterday since you thought of the above rhymes. If I said to you, "I'll give you a Million Dollars if you will forget the rhyme," can you?

Here's to dispelling the fist lie: you can't just get rid of and change your thoughts, not even the negative ones. We are all made to hold and retain our learning based on our unique personal history. Our minds, our bodies, us as a living organism carry with us a history of our whole life and that is how we have managed to survive. Hence, this is a useful quality to have...recall. Furthermore, since we are hardwired to watch for the harmful things in our environment we have a tendency to focus on the negative. Lie number two: there is something wrong with you if you think negative. Hence, those negative thoughts are normal and possibly save us from danger. Lie number three, just think it. Wrong! You need to do something after you think of it. Get a plan, set some goals, take action!

Are your thoughts running your life? Are you caught in a struggle and battle to overcome negative thinking? Do you want a different way to approach the affirmation trap? I offer you this - it may well be the willingness of acceptance of your thoughts that can help you learn how to be with your feelings, thoughts, memories and sensations that present themselves as the enemy of living your dreams. You can choose where to focus your actions in alignment with what matters most to you in your live.

Are you an optimist? There are advantages to looking on the bright side of things. According to Taki Sharot optimists have better mental and physical health. You can read her article The Optimism Bias to learn more.

Tips:
1.Give Thanks: Tell others what you’re grateful for says Terry Paulson, Ph. D., author of The Optimism Advantage. When you share positivity, “the energy changes.” You can learn more from his blog post, 20 Tips to Claim Your Optimism Advantage.
2.Keep Moving: Stay physically and mentally active, advises Margie Warrell, author of Find Your Courage.” Otherwise, moods can spiral downward,” she says.
3.Focus Forward: Lofty aims improve your outlook, says Martin Seligman, Ph. D., author of Flourish.

Creating a life beyond loss and trauma allows a person to move towards a life of dreams and fulfillment. You can check out more reading on optimism at The Mariold Associates: Flourishing 101 is good.


Do you look for the silver lining in a cloud? I am interested in your outlook on life. If you have not guessed, I am an optimist and I would love to know who you are.

Warm Regards, Brenda

Shame about shame can lead to more intense deeper feelings of shame turning it into toxic shame. Nobody likes to feel shame! The attempt to avoid shame feelings, when turned inside out and cast upon others, is at the root of many interpersonal relationship problems. Toxic shame is coupled with the drive to avoid and are the seeds of low self-esteem, abuse, violence, self-harm, suicide and crimes against society.

Let’s talk about the difference between everyday shame and toxic shame. You can help me out by letting me know about your experience with shame. Hence, I am inviting you to shine the light of a clear voice which helps to put shame in perspective.

I am going to call everyday shame “clean” shame. It is uncomfortable and fleeting. The feeling is clearly connected to the present moment. Kind of like being embarrassed when you are caught with your pants down or your hand in the cookie jar expect more painful. I don’t think the details are as important as the depth and the duration of self-loathing that one experiences . “Clean” shame is short lived. Toxic shame, on the other hand, has an enduring dark and heavy quality to it as it becomes part of the fabric of the personality. The self-loathing is more permanent and manifests as a hunger that eats from the inside out through the your flesh and into the flesh of others nearby.

The seeds of toxic shame are often born in childhood experiences of neglect and abuse. It taints how we relate to our inner and outer world as being broken, bad, not-good enough, unlovable and unworthy. My experience of toxic shame can be summed up as feeling “God forsaken.” What words describe your feelings of toxic shame? Furthermore, holding secrets from childhood trauma and shame makes it worse.

What to do? Compassion and self-forgiveness are a couple of things you can do. If you were abused or neglected know it was not your fault. I am going to repeat this, “IT’S WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.” Find someone you can trust and talk with them about your experience. This means being vulnerable. It takes courage. It is worth it. It is possible to cross the bridge to a lighter life. Shine your voice on the darkness of toxic shame with appropriate people. If you are not sure who is appropriate contact a professional helper to sort this out with you.

"We often think of peace as the absence of war;
that if the powerful countries would
reduce their arsenals, we could have peace.
But if we look deeply into the weapons,
we see our own minds, our prejudices, fears, and ignorance.
Even if we transported all the bombs to the moon,
the roots of war and the reasons for bombs would still be here,
in our hearts and minds, and sooner or later we would make new bombs.
Seek to become more aware of what causes anger and separation,
and what overcomes them.
Root out the violence in your life,
and learn to live compassionately and mindfully."
-Thich Nhat Hanh

I recently attend a presentation by Marilyn Van Debur who was Miss America in 1958 and a survivors of childhhod sexual abuse. She mentioned the unbearable feelings of shame, guile and self-blame.

The poem poasted below is written by John Bradshaw and Leo Booth thaken from the book "Homecoming."

My Name Is Toxic Shame
I was there at your conception
In the epinephrine of your mother’s shame
You felt me in the fluid of your mother’s womb
I came upon you before you could speak
Before you understood
Before you had any way of knowing
I came upon you when you were learning to walk
When you were unprotected and exposed
When you were vulnerable and needy
Before you had any boundaries
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I came upon you when you were magical
Before you could know I was there
I severed your soul
I pierced you to the core
I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective
I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt
worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness
I made you feel different
I told you there was something wrong with you
I soiled your Godlikeness
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I existed before conscience
Before guilt
Before morality
I am the master emotion
I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation
I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any
mental preparation
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I live in secrecy
In the deep moist banks of darkness
depression and despair
Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through
the back door
Uninvited unwanted
The first to arrive
I was there at the beginning of time
With Father Adam, Mother Eve
Brother Cain
I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I come from “shameless” caretakers, abandonment, ridicule,
abuse, neglect – perfectionistic systems
I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent’s rage
The cruel remarks of siblings
The jeering humiliation of other children
The awkward reflection in the mirrors
The touch that feels icky and frightening
The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust
I am intensified by
A racist, sexist culture
The righteous condemnation of religious bigots
The fears and pressures of schooling
The hypocrisy of politicians
The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional
family systems
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black
person, a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into
A bitch, a kike, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, a selfish
little bastard
I bring pain that is chronic
A pain that will not go away
I am the hunter that stalks you night and day
Every day everywhere
I have no boundaries
You try to hide from me
But you cannot
Because I live inside of you
I make you feel hopeless
Like there is no way out
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others
through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,
envy, judgment, power, and rage
My pain is so intense
You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment,
and unconscious ego defenses.
My pain is so intense
That you must numb out and no longer feel me.
I convinced you that I am gone – that I do not exist -
you experience absence and emptiness.
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I am the core of co-dependency
I am spiritual bankruptcy
The logic of absurdity
The repetition compulsion
I am crime, violence, incest, rape
I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions
I am instability and lust
I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner’s Flying Dutchman,
Dostoyevski’s underground man, Kierkegaard’s seducer,
Goethe’s Faust
I twist who you are into what you do and have
I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
Taken from the book “Homecoming” By John Bradshaw